Spray Febreze Upon Exit: The Story of a Misplaced Worker


My desk at work is right next to the bathroom. And I don’t mean a restroom with stalls. I’m referring to a broom closet with a toilet. Five feet from my keyboard, people are making bodily noises I wouldn’t wish upon the ears of my enemies. Worst of all, the acoustics of the bathroom lends itself to echoes. Repeatedly reminding me I need new headphones.

Sometimes the noises are lighthearted; liquid ricochets and clanking belt buckles. Other times I am treated to what can only be described as meatballs blowing into trumpets, as they fall into a well. All the Febreze in the world couldn’t cover the injustices done to my nostrils on a daily basis.

The location of my desk has led me to being nominated as the unofficial bathroom attendant. When the toilet paper is near its end, I get the blame. “The soap dispenser is empty,” they’ll say. As if I keep a supply of toiletries next to my computer. “Why are there no paper towels?” they’ll ask. “Because your co-workers are too lazy to replace them,” I’ll think to myself with a shrug and a sympathetic smile.

But I’m stuck here; left to defend my senses from such putrid atrocities. Wishing I could work outdoors, like it’s a warm summer day and the teacher asked if we’d like to have class outside.

It would be nice, just once, if someone could walk out of the bathroom, look in my direction, and apologize. Say “sorry,” for what they made me experience. Have regret for forcing me to participate in their intestinal strife. Feel remorse for torturing my nostrils and tormenting my ears. But like the homeless man begging for change as you’re late for work, they just keep moving. Saying nothing to avoid  embarrassment. Avoiding situational recognition so as not to acknowledge the abuse.

They just go about their day, eating bean salads for lunch. Drinking that extra cup of coffee. Snacking on cheese sticks and onion rings. Without a care in the world. Because when they leave that bathroom, their life goes on. While I am left trying to cope all alone.

My hope is this tale reaches those unaware of the person with the desk near the bathroom. It is too late for me. My fate has been determined. But it’s not too late for you to make a change. To think about the co-worker sitting next to toilet. To consider their senses. Admit they have feelings. Remember they’re just like you, regardless of their unfortunate location. And if you remember but one thing, please make it this: spray Febreze upon exit.




The Elfie: The Selfie’s Best Friend


The Elfie – Infomercial Script

Are you tired of not getting enough likes on your selfie? Is your phone blocking too much of your good stuff? Are you so over relying on un-trustable mirrors to capture your beauty? Not anymore!


Introducing the Elfie. The magical elf who lets you take hands-free selfies. Simply attach the Elfie to any mirror, put your phone in his arms, and like magic, beautiful hands-free selfies. No more bad selfies. No more selfies with your cell blocking the good parts. No more awkward arm positions. The Elfie is the selfie’s best friend.


The secret to the Elfie is our patented, revolutionary suction cup technology. Simply moisten the suction cup 3000 with your tongue, and attach the Elfie to any mirrored surface. That’s it!


But that’s not all. The Elfie now comes in 3 different colors. Pick your favorite. Or choose them all. The Elfie comes in white, black and mixed.


Order now and receive the Travel Elfie. Fits perfectly on rear-view mirrors and windshields. Never worry about driving with one hand again. The Travel Elfie is the best way to take selfies while driving.


But don’t take our word for it. Ask Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence.


Jennifer Lawrence:

I love the Elfie. I own one for every mirror in my house. I’m not one for exaggeration, but it’s definitely the greatest invention of the 21st century. No question. I never worry ‘bout my cell blocking my cleavage. And to be honest, without going into too much detail, the Elfie has literally saved my life on 3 separate occasions. I love the Elfie.


Jennifer Lawrence uses the Elfie. And she’s rich and famous. Which makes her better than you. So you can trust her.


Order now. Only a limited supply remain. And once these sell out, you’ll have to wait until China builds more. So don’t wait. Call now.



The Elfie is not responsible for you not getting likes on your Selfies. Some people are just ugly. The Elfie will not make you pretty. Using the Elfie is not recommended for seniors or pregnant woman. Taking selfies in general is not recommended for seniors or pregnant women. Do not attempt to swallow the Elfie. You will die.


Call Now!


Say Goodbye to Father-Son Bonding; A Sam & Cat in the Cradle Tribute


Playing catch. Going fishing. Sharing that first beer. Father-son bonding is a cherished tradition. But today, that tradition has taken a tragic hit. Watching Sam & Cat was an experience fathers and sons could share. As a children’s show on Nickelodeon, turning on Sam & Cat wouldn’t get Mother asking questions. It’s a kid’s show. On a kid’s network. About babysitting. What’s the harm?

“Sonny Boy is in good hands,” Father would say to Mother. “I’m just taking an interest in the things Sonny Boy likes,” he’d continue. And Mother would be pleased. “I’m just happy their spending quality time together,” she’d think to herself. And then she’d leave the room, off to tell her network of gossipers what a great Father he was.

So Father and Son would enjoy the show, together. Chuckling alongside the artificial laughter of the audience. Getting caught up in the suspense of yet another babysitting dilemma. And Son would enjoy the adventures of Sam & Cat. And Father would enjoy the double entendres. Son would take pleasure in whacky high jinks and low-brow jokes. And Father would take pleasure in whack-able short shorts and low cut shirts. And both Father and Son would bond. For different reasons, but nevertheless together.

And isn’t that what truly matters. Regardless of how creepy Father is, as long as he’s creepy with his Son, at least they’re bonding.

But today we say goodbye to father-son bonding, with a Sam & Cat in the Cradle tribute.



Say it First and Make it Wicked

It’s those people, and brands, willing to be the first to say today, what we’re all thinking, that will win tomorrow. 

Have you experienced live-tweeting? You know, the digital version of note-passing in class. The act of telling ‘Yo Mama” jokes to strangers watching the same show. A cultural phenomenon which involves being the first to troll the entertainment you choose to watch.

The concept is unique. Unlike anything we’ve seen throughout communication history. Real-time discussions about the topics we care about. No other medium allows people to share their thoughts, opinions or jokes to mass audiences, instantly. Unfiltered. It’s theoretically and technically revolutionary.

So of course businesses see dollar signs. Wherever people go, and whatever they see or hear, will attract advertising. Live-tweeting is today’s untapped advertising resource. Brands are joining the discussions; getting involved and trying to attract and engage. But just because brands are learning to show up to the party, doesn’t mean their invited inside.

The 2014 Billboard Music Awards aired this past weekend. ABC was smart enough to know they need to be part of the discussion. #Billboards2014 and #BillboardAwards were trending hashtags all night. And ABC made sure to stamp the entire broadcast with their hashtag of choice; encouraging viewers to join the conversation and live-tweet. Viewers listened. Topics, thoughts and jokes streamed throughout the Twitterverse. On paper, it worked.

But what ABC missed, or more specifically, couldn’t have predicted, was an even bigger trend.


When Lorde performed, Twitter went crazy.


Was everyone making the same exact correlation simultaneously? Was Lorde so obviously a Wicked Witch of the West clone that the analogy created itself? Or did one person make the joke and everyone followed? Probably a bit of both.

Neither ABC nor the Billboard Music Awards could have predicted this trend. No marketer could. It was fluid. Organic. Original. Memorable. Obvious. People saw the joke and understood, immediately, there was truth behind the punchline.

Live-tweeting, and social media as a whole, is filled with these examples. Brands spend money trying to get people talking. And then some random person, with no real influence one-ups the pros and finds success.

For the digital marketing and advertising industry to find success on social media, pre-packaged and planned messages will never work. They’re too safe. Too scripted. Too perfect. And in business, the safe way almost always gets chosen.

Which works out for the few people and brands willing to cross the line. To make the insight, joke or observation we’re all thinking, but not quick enough (or brave enough) to post.

Let’s hypothetical:

If the first person to post the “Wicked Witch of the West,” comment was secretly a marketing advocate for the release of a new, re-mastered version of the Wizard of Oz, how many extra DVDs would they have helped sell?

Or, what if this person was actually the social media marketer in charge of promoting WICKED the musical? And the day after starting the “Wicked Witch of the West” trend, you saw a commercial for the musical. Would you be more inclined to buy because it was fresh in your mind?

Business and brands can’t plan for these unscripted life moments. But when they happen, and people are willing to listen, an unrivaled marketing channel opens. It’s those people, and brands, willing to be the first to say today, what we’re all thinking, that will win tomorrow.




I Tend Toward Modesty; But Let Me Explain.


In October of 2013, I was challenged to create a one day event at the GameTime – Tampa venue. The goal, as assigned by the CEO, was to get as many people possible in venue, on a single day. The underlying problem, as the CEO saw it, was the GameTime – Tampa venue was still unknown in the area, and too many potential customers were unaware the venue existed. My mission was to create, develop, promote and organize this one day event, with an “as needed,” and “case-by-case” budget.

As the Director of Marketing, with a single, part-time graphic designer working under me, it was my responsibility to first research the demographic near the GameTime – Tampa venue. While researching and analyzing the data, a concept began to emerge.

With the end-of-year holiday season quickly approaching, I realized a tie-in would be beneficial. The concept I began strategizing, was to piggyback upon Black Friday; with a twist. As Black Friday is a day when consumers are encouraged to spend, GameTime would have a day encouraging guests to save. The promotion became known as “GameTime Gives Thanks,” and was held the Saturday after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. For an entire day, GameTime – Tampa would offer unlimited and free video arcade game play for all guests. The promotion centered its messaging around the idea of: “being thankful for all the guests that visit and pay to keep GameTime’s doors open, and GameTime would like to give back with a day of free video games.”

As Director of Marketing at GameTime, my responsibilities are vast and multifaceted. I solely manage Google AdWords, Google Analytics, Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, LinkedIn, Pinterest and Google+. I manage, edit and create all content for the website, utilizing a WordPress CMS. I develop, create and implement daily and weekly promotions, design marketing collateral and write all copy. I manage the sole, part-time graphic designer; along with supervise the sales/event coordinators at each of the six GameTime venues. And to succeed with this particular marketing campaign, I had to include each of these responsibilities.

In one month, I designed the GameTime Gives Thanks logo, tagline and description. Utilizing a creative brief I wrote, along with a series of mock-up designs I created in Photoshop, I assigned the graphic designer to develop content for: posters, social media posts, emails, in-store collateral, flyers and direct mailers. I used this artwork to schedule and send daily/weekly social media posts and emails. Facebook promoted posts and ads were used to increase impressions and engagement. I wrote and submitted a press release. A street team was created, under my supervision, to distribute “Golden Ticket” die-cut flyers, promoting the event. A Google AdWords campaign was implemented to promote targeted keywords in the geographic area. A direct mailer was designed and distributed to over 25 thousand local residents. All work was created, designed, scheduled, organized, supervised, written and promoted by me.

As a result, on Saturday, November 30, 2013, GameTime – Tampa saw an increase in guests of over 1000%. Despite all video games being free for the day, sales of food and drink were higher than comparable days, along with an increase in birthday party bookings. In fact, there was a line of over 100 people waiting outside the door before opening. This has never occurred on any other day in GameTime history.

Overall I am abundantly proud of what I accomplished, with little outside assistance. I was provided an open-ended challenge, and went above-and-beyond with success. But I  tend toward modesty, so let me explain. I did not accomplish all of this by myself. The graphic designer played a big role in creating the final artwork. Constant Contact made emailing a targeted list simpler. The sales/event coordinators, along with street team members worked the phones and streets to interact and promote the event face-to-face. PRWeb helped distribute the press release I wrote. Google, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Pinterest all assisted with attracting and engaging an audience online. And of course the CEO and COO provided funds and guidance. Without any, or all, of these people, groups and platforms, the “GameTime Gives Thanks” event would have never succeeded.


1st World Digital Marketing Problems


In essence, we must fail to succeed. – Daniel M. Christensen

What can you learn from reading LinkedIn updates? That everyone is an expert. Regardless of their field, every professional is convinced they must prove they have all the answers. Because of the inherent self-promotional attitude necessary, marketing professionals suffer from this “guru-mentality” at much higher percentages. Every marketer, especially in the digital realm, is convinced their methods will lead to success. They’ve tested, perfected and out-performed all of their peers.

The truth is, however, most digital marketers simply pick-and-choose segments of data, test results and insights to “Frankenstein” their own personal creed. No marketer likes to admit they’re still learning.

Luckily this method works. Too many executives, bosses and decision-makers know too little about the industry. They hear their business must exist online, but don’t know how truly make it grow. They understand social media is culture’s latest “fad,” and believe simply existing on Facebook will grow their business.

They want success, but don’t always believe in investing in true talent. True success comes from true talent. Talent’s the offspring of competition. To compete is to fail. And to fail is to learn. In essence, we must fail to succeed.

But before one can succeed, it is necessary to teach the inexperienced. In today’s corporate environment, all people, regardless of title, must keep social media in their mind. Today, no business-related action lives in isolation. It is crucial to include marketing teams in most business decisions, since each decision affects customers. And marketing teams are often the first point-of-contact for many customers. Whether through social media, email, or online review, customer’s opinions are often first heard by marketing teams.

Unfortunately, too many people are still unsure what digital marketing entails. It’s time we discussed today’s most common misconceptions.

1st World Digital Marketing Problems:

What my Boss thinks I do…



What my Co-Workers think I do…



What the Accounting Department thinks I do…



What the Web Designer thinks I do…



What the I.T. Guy thinks I do…



What Google Search thinks I do…



What my Customer’s Inbox thinks I do…



What my Grandmother thinks I do…



What my Friends think I do…



What my Optometrist thinks I do…



What Teenagers think I do…



Recruit Redditors for Your Marketing Needs

The next-great marketer is more likely to come
from Reddit than Harvard.

Whoever created the first The Most Interesting Man in the World meme deserves a cushy job from Dos Equis. Sure, the commercials, created by Euro RSCG Worldwide  went viral themselves. Similar to Chuck Norris, The Most Interesting Man in the World is known for achieving unachievable greatness. With enviable swagger, and perfect poise, The Most Interesting Man in the World is exactly as his name implies.


But in recent years, the commercials have trended second to the popular meme. You can’t visit a 9GagCheezburger, or Tickld , without seeing a The Most Interesting Man in the World meme. The setup and punchline are so easy to understand, replicate and share. The meme is likely selling as many Dos Equis beers as any commercial advertising.


Viral marketing is the next evolution of marketing. And similar to other forms of evolution, it occurs gradually, without anyone truly noticing. You may know it better as content marketing. Or social media marketing. But the goal is the same; create memorable content that is shared across the web. In effect, creating brand advocates who actively and openly endorse your message. All the great companies are participating.

From GoDaddy


to Old Spice


and Taco Bell


even Sprint.


Their approach is simple. “See our content. Like our content. Share our content.” It’s (relatively) cheap marketing. Turning viewers/users into brand advocates. When a consumer shares a brand’s content with a friend, the brand is receiving a word-of-mouth endorsement, along with forging an additional advertising channel.

Every marketing firm and advertising agency is looking to become the next viral thing. To create the next internet sensation. Unfortunately for them, it usually comes organically.

Like from some sinister looking cat,


or an innocent kid on drugs.


But sometimes brands have success. Gangnam Style wasn’t an accident. The record label perfectly calculated their marketing strategy. By first building a Korean audience, then gradually promoting Psy on American media networks, they were able to turn Gangnam Style into the most viral video of all-time


Devil’s Due, a horror movie, which by all accounts, bombed in the theaters, succeeded in their viral marketing. Unfortunately the movie couldn’t hold up to the “scares,” of their prank video. But the buzz for the opening weekend was huge.


In the very near future, it will be the creators of viral content that will become the most successful marketers. These creators understand what the internet is looking for. How to develop it. Promote it. Optimize and share it.

You won’t hear me claiming to be on the level of any of the content creators above, but I do understand the importance of honing the craft. Experimenting. Practicing. Testing. Failing. Learning.

Today I created some content, a gif, to promote an event. SHARE if You LIKE.